Mass Effect: Trance
by Aithusa
Summary: Set at the start of Citadel DLC. During enforced shore leave Elaine Shepard finally has the chance to sit back and think. To remember, but does she really want to think about it all? So many are looking to her for strength in the war but Shepard is doubting herself. This is short story as it is my first Fan Fiction, reviews would be much appreciated so I can improve, thanks.


Hey readers! Aithusa here! Like I said in the description, this is my first fic so reviews would be much appreciated. Anywho, onwards with the story!

Contains minor spoilers, and all characters belong to Bioware, I'm just playing around with my FemShep's thoughts. Thanks! :)  
_

**Trance**

For a long time I just, sit, staring out the extremely large window in Anderson's, in _my, _apartment_. _I don't know how long I sit there, minutes, hours maybe. Just contemplating; remembering. When I was hunting Saren, I knew I'd come out the other side in one piece. Hell, even during the supposed suicide mission, I knew my team wouldn't fail. Now.. I won't; I _can't_ tell anyone that.. I'm scared. I smile in faint amusement at the irony. The great Commander Shepard; scared.

I'm tired too, so tired. I know, now isn't really the time for self pity but, I can just _feel_ it. The same feeling I had that day the SR1 went down. Like the end is near. Jeez, I'm starting to sound like that crackpot 'prophet' back on Omega, always going on about 'the end, the end is nigh.' This is different from the SR1 too though, at least then, although I did _die_, it wasn't _over_. Now; I just don't know. There's a lot of people looking to me for strength, I've _always_ defeated the odds; but I think that sometimes, even my team, my _friends,_ forget that I'm only human. I make mistakes, I get _scared_.

A lump starts to form in my throat and my eyes start to tear up. Oh hell, seriously, what's wrong with me? Suddenly, a memory comes to me and I smile. It's going to be all right because I remember what Ash said way back on Virmire, "I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing." _I don't regret a thing. _It stands true for me, it really has been a great ride and I wouldn't change a second of it. If I go down fighting in this war, I 'll bring the reapers down with me and so be it. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes.

-x-x-

"_You must have family other than your father. Don't you miss them?" I asked. "You trying to make me cry, Shepard?" Wrex retorted. I was never much good at reading alien's expressions but he seemed to smile a little as he said it, it wasn't spoken in a threatening way, more like banter shared with a friend._

_-x-x-_

_Tali turns to face me, "What is it about you that makes people think we enjoy being in harm's way?" I shrug, "Probably something to do with the whole, 'first human spectre' thing, I hear it's an impressive achievement," I __reply, __grin__ning__._

-x-x-

"_Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?" Ash. Always one to get straight to the point._

-x-x-

"_I couldn't do this without you, Garrus." I said, honestly meaning it. "Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course." I laughed._

_-x-x-_

_I watched Mordin take a deep breath and, "I am the very model of a scientist salarian - I've studied species Turian, Asari and Batarian - I'm quite good at genetics as a subset of biology - because I am an expert which I know is a tautology! My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian - I am the very model of a scientist salarian!" Mordin, always full of surprises. He doesn't actually have a bad singing voice either._

_-x-x-_

_I'm still confused, "That doesn't explain why you used my armour to fix yourself." Legion answers, almost shyly, "There was a hole."_

-x-x-

_"I've had enough of this station to last a life time," I said, eager to leave. "Or two, in your case," Miranda added with a smirk. Miranda often doubted herself, she believed that everything she had wasn't earned, even her sense of humour, or rather her belief that it was non-existent. In a while, I saw otherwise, Miranda was loyal, kind when she wanted to be and she was more than able to crack a good joke now and then._

-x-x-

"_I just figure that, when I kill someone, my chances of survival increase." Jack answered, trying her best to say it as if it meant nothing to her when I could see it obviously did. Jack's changed a lot, and yet stayed the same though out it all. She always seems to be two people at once, the victim, and the culprit, but underneath all that crap, she's a good person._

-x-x-

"_The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone." Thane reminded me in his usual calm, certain manner._

-x-x-

"_Great, so now all we need is a gun that fires Thresher Maws." Joker remarks. EDI gave no reaction, making me think she'd taken Joker's comment seriously, "That was a joke." I said. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I was, contemplating."_

_-x-x-_

_In the distance I saw Grunt, bloodied, stumbling towards us. I'm not a big one for believing in gifts from God or whatever, but if there is a God, I'm almost sure he played a part in this. When I reached Grunt all he asked was, "Anyone got anything to eat?" I laughed, partially to relieve tension and worry. Grunt in a nutshell._

-x-x-

"_By the code I will serve you Shepard. Your choices are my choices. Your morals are my morals. Your wishes are my code." I didn't really see what difference all the kneeling down and oath swearing made, maybe it was just my ignorance of the justicars; but I could see it meant a lot to her, so I didn't comment._

-x-x-

"_Rage is a hell of an anaesthetic," Zaeed commented from behind me._

-x-x-

"_I swear to God I didn't touch anything!" Kasumi exclaims as the C-Sec scanner goes off. I try my best to hold back a laugh in front of the officer, I only half succeed, turning my splutter into a hurried cough._

_-x-x-_

_I look up from my cards when Kaiden says, "Got the flush." grinning slyly. James comments before I can, "Full house. Caught it on the river." "Shit." Kaiden answers. Vega laughs, "Thought you were bluffing on the flush. Good for you." Kaiden narrows his eyes, "Can it, Lieutenant." "Yes sir, Major Alenko, sir." James replys with a mock salute._

-x-x-

"_When I first saw you, you were nothing but meat and tubes. Anywhere else, they'd have put you in a coffin." Jacob informs me. Always willing to spill Cerberus secrets, but loyal to me early on._

-x-x-

"_Amusing; asari have finally mastered writing," Javik notes aloud. Liara looks confused, "W-what?"_

_-x-x-_

_"So tell me what you want. If this all ends tomorrow, what happens to us?" I smile, "I don't know. Marriage, old age, and a lot of little blue children?"_

-x-x-

I'm pulled out of my trance when I hear a ping from my omni-tool. I open up the message from Joker;

_Hey Shepard,_

_I've got a few things I wanted to go over with you. With the Normandy in dry dock, I figured we could meet up at that Ryuusei sushi place down in the Wards. I hear it's the best._

_Joker._

Well, I figure a little sushi can't hurt, a nice break from my pointless worrying, maybe swap a few more sick jokes with Joker. So, with my mind made up, I head out the door for a little fun before I head back into hell.


End file.
